The Changing Dance

I am balking at just about everything lately, including this blog. An overwhelming and incomprehensible sadness pulls me away from making words that others might want to read.  This sad self may have something else in mind – a very different sort of writing project, or even some action that might free her of  my habitual occupations. A mystery is before me, yet even as I  acknowledge her presence, the sorrow eases somewhat, and the present dance seems almost possible.

It is true that I live a somewhat confined existence. In other years, an innate belief in freedom impelled me to move when the moment called for movement. To dance – to move in response to interior truth – was natural, and extended into all aspects of my life. I could never have become embedded in circumstances that felt too confining. Even being the mother of two with three cats, a faulty vehicle, and limited funds did not stop me from making the difficult trek to New York in the early eighties. The difficulties faced had no effect upon my enormous desire to share my dance with the world. 

So is this what I lack? The desire to share my particular dance. I don’t think I lack it completely; I wouldn’t be writing here. But years of disillusionment lie between then and now.  Has desire been obscurred by a sorrow so profound that gestures which might free the present dance are held  back out of fear that that they cannot possibly be received?

Yet surely some of the dances must have been received. I know they were. Perhaps my audiences were small. Perhaps I was easily discouraged by my failure to reach the world my mother was sure I would someday reach.  Yet the dances continued to be revived and released in whatever form.  Perhaps they are slower these days; my older self doesn’t have the get up and go she used to have. Is this then the sorrow? The sorrow of the aging dancer? Or could it be the sorrow born of the conviction that I cannot make the necessary leap that will set me free from my present confinement?

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2 Responses to “The Changing Dance”

  1. Kendall Says:

    O Leif. These are powerful questions. This blog is a place for truth-telling, for laying out the bare truth. We did not go where we meant to go. We went, instead, where we went. It felt a little less…what? less glorious? less stellar? less “successful”? We went as far as we could go. And now what? Now where do we go? We ask ourselves. The questions matter perhaps more than the answers. Stay with these arching questions.

  2. leiflife Says:

    Thank you, sweet buddy. Writing that blog did seem a real shift. Usually, I feel ashamed when I let the negative stuff come forth – or what seems negative. This time I felt that I was finally really listening, not caring what any “public” thought. You are right; less glorious. But possibly more real. The hope I am left with after this blog may be a realistic hope – that the message I need to convey in all aspects of my life just may be possible and powerful and redeeming. THESE ARCHING QUESTIONS…

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